Clogged

After Tom from apartment 309 called me one afternoon saying his toilet was clogged, I sent Amadeo and Mauricio, our two maintenance men to fix the issue. I called all of our maintenance complaints "issues" because each tenant made their toilet/sink/oven malfunctions into something personal: "Allison, my toilet is clogged, and I really do not know what I did to deserve this type of experience as a resident." "I completely understand," I would say. "Please know we will do everything in our power to make sure this doesn't happen again."

After Mauricio and Amadeo went upstairs to de-clog the toilet, I ran out to get some lunch. When I got back, Mauricio and Amadeo were standing around in my office, tossing around what looked like two small...balls. As I looked closer, I saw that these "balls" was made of shiny metal."What is that?" I asked both of them. Amadeo explained that they found "bolas de metal" (metal balls) in the tenant's toilet as they de-clogged the drain. They thought this finding represented a larger plumbing problem.

While they were waiting for me in my office, Mauricio threw one at Amadeo, which explained the game of toss they were playing as I walked in."Let me see one" I said.Amadeo showed one to me. I paused. These "metal balls" were anal beads. The two found in the toilet must have fallen off the string that was holding the family of beads together. I looked up. There must have been a look of constipation on my face. Amadeo asked "What's wrong?" I tried to think of every word I knew in Spanish to try and explain what they were. The only way to really learn another language is to take these chances. This was my moment to shine like a gringa star.

"Amadeo, Mauricio"

"Si senorita?," Amadeo replied.

"Estas pertenecen al inquilino...(These belong to the tenant)"

"Que'? (What?)"

"Pertenecen...estas bolas........en mi culo." I said self consciously pointing to my derriere, embarking on a twisted game of charades. I found out later that this means, "these balls belong on my ass. "Mauricio replied "En Tu culo?"(In your ass?) They both laughed, covering their faces with their hands, understanding my lingual struggle, or that I was American girl who wanted balls on her ass.

"No, sorry. sorry. La gente utiliza estas.....(people...use these),"

"...en la culo...(in the butt)..."

"...para el sexo...(for sex)..."

I began to giggle like a school girl. Amadeo and Mauricio raised their heads as if they were beginning to comprehend. I then jumped to my computer and googled: "spanish translation: anal beads." The translation was simple:

"Anal bolas?" I said.

“Anal bolas!? Positivo?” said Amadeo.

"Si.’"

Without skipping a heart beat, Amadeo and Mauricio tossed the anal beads to the floor and ran to the sink where they washed off the first layer of their skin. "No acapara el jabon!" (Don't hog the soap!) said Amadeo, laughing and splashing Mauricio with water. Even doctors don't scrub their hands as hard as they did.

A few moments later, Mauricio poignantly noted:

“Nosotros debería saber mejor que jugar con los juguetes en un tazón de mierda.” which means, "We should know better than to play with toys in a bowl of shit."

Later that day, I wrote Tom the tenant a note:

"Hi Tom:

We fixed your toilet. It seems that several small, silver balls were disrupting the natural flow of water to the drain. Enclosed are the objects secured in a plastic bag. Please do not hesitate to call me with any questions or concerns. Thank you for your time."